Finding my way back to happiness...

Something I've often learned the hard way: Not feeling our emotions can keep us edgy, irritable, & off-balance.
*LoVe*Me*

Relationships need compromise.Are you giving too much -- or taking too much? *LoVe*Me*

Daily Quotes for Mon 28 Jun 2010

"Men spend their lives in anticipations, in determining to be vastly happy at some period or other when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other: it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age!"
-Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) English Sportsman, Writer

Great news! Finally emerging out of my mini-crisis. Details coming soon...
*LoVe*Me*

I've been battling some feelings lately; I'm feeling out of balance in my life, my work, & my relationships with the people I love.

The Day Before Friday...

There are some days when I get in a "I-Don't-Want-To-Do-Anything" funk which is so combative to my weekly, service-oriented job. BIG BOOOO!
*LoVe*Me*

Daily Quotes for Thu 10 Jun 2010

“Though the practice of chivalry fell even more sadly short of its theoretic standard than practice generally falls below theory, it remains one of the most precious monuments of the moral history of our race, as a remarkable instance of a concerted and organized attempt by a most disorganized and distracted society, to raise up and carry into practice a moral ideal greatly in advance of its social condition and institutions; so much so as to have been completely frustrated in the main object, yet never entirely inefficacious, and which has left a most sensible, and for the most part a highly valuable impress on the ideas and feelings of all subsequent times.”



— John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) English Philosopher, Political Economist

Daily Quotes for Wed 09 Jun 2010

"Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the only one who asked why. "- Bernard Mannes Baruch (1870-1965) American Businessman, Statesman

OR

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp. Or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning (1812-1889) English Poet

I’ve Hit a Wall or The Flip Side of A Man, His Cart, & a Long Walk

Things got slow at work today which is quite odd for what’s always expected to be one of our busiest days of the week. With that said, I had more time to map out some things I’d been contemplating for a while. I also had the opportunity to think about, well, me. I’ve resolved that I’ve got to make some changes, incorporate something different into my daily routine, my life, something that will redirect my wayward attention…I’ve got a list. It’s an ongoing list at that. However, I’m having difficulty motivating myself to continue actively completing and revising my list. It’s as if I have hit a wall…



I have accepted and embraced that I am a constant work in progress and that my recovery from the codependent craziness in my life is in unvarying motion. I’m still struggling with knowing and understanding that I don’t have to exert that much control in my life because I’m really not the One who’s in control of it in the first place. I still get a little stressed in relationships and at my job when things don’t go the way I’ve planned in the time frame that I expected. But at least now I’m acutely aware of this fact and not blindly believing that I have it all together because, heck, I DON’T. Just every once in a while, I get scared that I’ve grown to content, almost complacent and safe in “the way things are” and this inferno begins to assemble inside my mind, pushing for change. But then there’s this damn wall— intangible but keeping me still—blocking progression. Then my mind segues to the unthinkable: What if I revert back completely to my old, silly, reactionary, ugly & depressed self? What will become of me then?


Maybe I’m afraid…But then what is it that I’m afraid of…I dunno. I’m determined not to get myself all tense and worked up about this. I’ve got to remain calm for me and those that I care about. Most recently, it was brought to my attention that I don’t listen very well, if at all. Perhaps this is where I need to start. The quality of my relationships with others is greatly impacted by my ability to listen. I added this goal to my bucket list. Now if only I could get moving on this list…Any ideas?

Daily Quote for Mon 07 Jun 2010

“You couldn't get hold of the things you'd done and turn them right again. Such a power might be given to the gods, but it was not given to women and men, and that was probably a good thing. Had it been otherwise, people would probably die of old age still trying to rewrite their teens.”



—Stephen Edwin King (1947- ) American Writer

A Man, His Cart, & a Long Walk

I came across a website about a man named Matt Green who’s walking across America, “doing it all for its own sake.” He’s left New York and is heading to Oregon simply because he enjoys walking. He even quit his job as a civil engineer (something I fantasize about daily) to make the 9 month journey. I’ve been reading his daily posts at imjustwalkin.com and each day, I’m blown away not only by the journey that Matt’s taking but by the genuine kindness displayed towards him by strangers that allow him to sleep on their property, shower in their homes or even share meals with their families.



With each daily read, an overwhelming sensation of inspiration floods my mind. I want to smile more about folks I don’t know. Offer my assistance to friends and acquaintances in need. More importantly, I’ve really been more encouraged to make changes in my life that will open up more opportunities for me to do the things that I’ve been putting off. I’ve got this list of things, my personal “Bucket List”, a list of things I’d like to see happen, attributes I’d like to gain, things I’d like to get and do, and changes I’d like to occur. This list changes from time to time, leaving room for the unexpected and the unintended. This is my own personal attempt to tap into my dreams, wishes, fears and desires and as I accomplish or master each aspiration, I strike it out. My Bucket list reads as follows:

Actively Listen to Those That I Care About


Allow Events to Happen Naturally


Be Myself


Become a Teacher


Buy a Home


Detach w/Love


Enjoy Being Alone


Find a Church Home


Get Married


Go Back to School Summer 2009


Have Sex in the Rain


I will not look for happiness outside myself


I will push myself through fearful situations, telling myself I can make it


Journal daily


Keep My Cool w/tough Customers


Learn to Use a Sewing Machine


Let go of meaningless, emotionally absent relationships


Let Other People be Who They are


Let the Past Be Just That…The Past


Lose 20 lbs and keep it off


Make decisions and choices that enhance my self-esteem


Move Closer to Work


Pass INS 22


Play the Lotto


Quit Being the Victim


Read a book off “The List”


Rebuild My Self-Worth


Rekindle relationships that are worth it


Remove “Should” from my vocabulary


Save Some $$$: 6 mos worth of expenses


Smile More


Start a Family


Stop Picking on Myself for Picking on Myself


Stop procrastination at its onset


Stop Reacting and Think


Strive for balanced expectations of others.


Strive for healthy tolerance.


Take a Trip Somewhere I’ve Never Been (NYC, Savannah GA, Vegas, CA)


Value myself


Will Not Let Others Hurt Me


Will not tolerate abuse to keep people loving me


Will Not try to Trust Untrustworthy People


Worry About Nothing; Pray About Everything

Daily Quote For Fri 04 Jun 2010

“Don’t let people change you. No matter what happens be wiser the next time. But, don’t let it change you. There may be people in your life that have hurt you, but don’t make the next person who has the best intentions come along and you run them away because you think they’re going to do what the last person did to you. Don’t be afraid. In life you can’t live in fear of what people will say or do. If you lose love or a friend, then maybe you never had it.”—Tyler Perry (African American author, director, playwright, actor)

Daily Quote for Thur 03 Jun 2010

“All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.”



—Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal" (1914–1994) African American novelist, literary critic, scholar, writer.

Daily Quote for Wed 02 Jun 2010

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing." Mae West (1893-1980)
*LoVe*Me*

The Ultimate List (Revised)

Promise I won't post anything else today but I stumbled  upon The Ultimate List(see entry May 14 2006), thought it could be updated just a little. I do believe that I've met someone who meets most of my criteria, lol...

1. 1-2 children from previous relationship (s)
2. A believer in God’s word, the Trinity, and has accepted God as his personal savior
3. Actions agree with words/deeds
4. Average to mid-athletic stature
5. Between 5’10-6’5
6. Between the ages 27-35
7. Can change a flat tire, spark plugs or an oil filter if need be
8. Capable of passing the 3 T-Test: 1) puts the toilet seat down, 2) doesn’t put towels over the shower curtain, and 3) squeezes the toothpaste at the end and not the middle
9. Caramel to dark chocolate complexion
10. Culturally, politically and worldly aware
11. Enjoys all kinds of music (Old school R&B specifically)
12. Enjoys PDA—Public Displays of Affection
13. Family oriented and is open to having his own family one day
14. Has an awesome sense of humor
15. Has his own friends and will not insist that I like them all
16. Honest and will tell me when I’m wrong; also has no problem with admitting when he’s wrong
17. Isn’t a Mama’s Boy, closed-minded or misogynistic
18. Knows his Self-Worth
19. Legal employment
20. Likes going places and doing new things
21. Likes to play games– Scrabble, Monopoly, Jeopardy, Taboo, etc.
22. Likes to read and/or write
23. Likes to take things slow
24. Likes to watch porn but feels no need to star in his own
25. Lives alone or w/roommates; if still lives at home, it’s b/c of unique circumstances
26. Loves and KNOWS how to kiss
27. NOT a commitment phobic
28. NOT afraid to show his emotions
29. Not cheap
30. Respectful of my ability to think & reason
31. Social drinker
32. Some college, college graduate
33. Spontaneous
34. Thinks Napoleon Dynamite is funny as hell
35. Will let me hog the remote control
36. Will not make me watch football or baseball or some other sport that I don’t comprehend but is willing to explain them if I want to know
37. Will scratch my dandruff and oil my scalp
38. Willingness to talk about himself–his hopes, fears, past–but isn’t too cocky, arrogant or narcissistic (mild narcissism will do, I'm privy to it).

Revisting the Past: October 10, 2008 "Trying to Accept What Happened and Move On"

I found this phrase in an article on surviving breakups, a phrase intended to excite w/in those going through a breakup to do just that-accept that the relationship is over and move on. what this article failed to consider is what if you're codependent and emotionally strained? Accepting and moving on is NOT  simple; is NOT EASY in any way. I am codependent and moving on is about the hardest thing I've had to tackle. 

I've been reading this book, Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. She attempts to define codependency and illustrates the ways in which those of us who do suffer from codependency are to attempt to unlearn and redefine behavior that can bring so much havoc in the complicated task of daily living. 

Back in late March & April, I'd learned that I was codependent while I was seeing a therapist about problems I'd had with anxiety. Imagine how I felt when I found out that anxiety wasn't my only personal concern. But instead of exploring that finding, I shied away from it. Honestly, learning that I didn't know how to relax was damaging enough to my already fragile pride and ego. Today, I wish that I'd have pursued the codependency with the same interest I had with the anxiety. Perhaps then, this breakup wouldn't have occurred or at least wouldn't have been so bad. 

So the more I read Beattie's book, the more I've become convinced that the problems LRM and I experienced as the relationship progressed were responses to painful experiences we both encountered and hadn't addressed. I think that we both are codependent and the last thing that ever needed to happen was for 2 people like us, with our unaddressed problems, to find each other and fall in love. 

Part of me feels the need to piece together the chapters I've read and make sense of what's occurred and my part in it all. For the last month and a half, I've felt strictly like a victim of someone else's pain and inability to treat me right. But now, I feel there's more to this. I understand that I inflicted hurt as well. I'm a product of a dysfunctional family. I grew up around alcoholism, verbal & physical abuse, and drug addiction and really believed that as long as I left Memphis and the past behind, that I would be okay...things are in shambles because of codependency-an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to and practice of a set of oppressive rules-rules that prevented the open expressions of feelings as well as the direct discussion of my own personal and interpersonal problems. In a few weeks, I'll have my first session with a new therapist, FC. I'm looking forward to getting down the nitty gritty. My whole point of wanting this is so that I can change the person that I've become. She's not that pretty.

I'm Back...I Think...

IT'S BEEN so long, 4 years exactly, since I shared any of the mundane happenings of ME. I recently went back and read all my previous entries & I've come to the acute realization that I HAVE CHANGED! At first, I was like, "Wow! This was where my mind really was! I had it going on!" But as I read more, digested some things, reassessed & re-evaluated how much has happened in 4 years, my wow slowly transformed in WTF! I've changed jobs, moved 3 times, been engaged, ended friendships that I'd thought would last a lifetime, rekindled  & formed relationships w/people I never imagined would ever work out in the end (and sustained them), ended the engagement, finally got into graduate school (online), then put that on hold...the list can go on & on. In the mist of all this inevitable change, I can readily admit that I lost myself for a little while. I looked in the mirror one day, found I was 10 lbs heavier, exhausted, high strung & stressed. BLOOD PRESSURE THROUGH THE ROOF! Up to my knees in self-denial, drowning in self-seclusion. I even felt like I was on the verge of a major breakdown...

THEN THE UNTHINKABLE happened...a prayer that I had been saying for a year & a half was answered & God help in the form of my mama, BABE, the Brickhouse herself. I slowly found myself getting back to, rediscovering, & FALLING IN LOVE with ME...

WHERE DOES THIS LEAD ME NOW

Well, after a few tears & meeting someone who has inspired me to rekindle an old passion, I'M BACK! For the next few weeks, I'll simply post some journal entries, just as my own form of catch-up.