As I Look Into My LIfe

I was sitting at the break-room table by myself enjoying my hour lunch we get on Mondays. I got to thinking about how much I’d changed in just two years, where I’d been and how far I had yet to go and this huge smile crept across my face. At 5’7, I’m 38 pounds away from where I once was, 6 years removed from high school and about to be a year from college. In 6 years, different people have drifted in and out of my life and here I am now, attempting to make one person stick around for the long run (should I not run first). I’ve began questioning my loyalty to the things that I once listed as the most important things in my life, often asking myself, “Have I valued one more than the other?” I’m constantly asking myself if I’ve lost my own identity over the years, swapping my individual for a blank canvas of self, letting whatever each day brings my way etch out the person I’m intended to be.

After 6 months at my job, I’ve become frustrated and saddened at the fact that this experience may not be one that can sustain me until I figure out the road I really want to commit to and stick with. I was giving this job at least a year and a half, hoping that I’d gotten better with this whole collections industry but I’ve just come to realize that I don’t have that ‘fuck you, pay me’ mentality and have the utmost difficulty with faking like I do just to make commission each month. By the end of October, I was given a 90 day action plan that’s suppose to boost my month totals up to $25,000 with $19,000 being the first tier to hit for November. Right now, I’m at about $10,000 and with 4 more days left in this month, do not think that I’ll be hitting even close to $18,000 by month in. Ironically, I’m not beating myself up about this like I’d normally do. Now I’m not being a coward and laying down about this either, taking the steps needed to try to get some calls made, some more accounts worked, I added another late night to my schedule and push myself to make 140-155 calls a day. Maybe it’s the holidays or maybe it’s just the sure reality that people don’t really care about what their credit looks like or if their medical bills go unpaid although they did receive some valuable treatment from a hospital and its physicians. One thing’s for sure: I’m tire of trying to figure out what it is and thus have reopened my search for another job.

I stayed in Chattanooga for Thanksgiving, opting to spend it with LRM and his mother. This was the first time I wasn't in Memphis for the holidays. While it was certainly far quieter than I’m used to with my own family and relatives, it was time spent getting to know LRM better and see how much the holiday season brings out a different side of him. Although I’d offered to help his mother with dinner, I found my skills a bit rusty and lacking; I’d never shucked corn in my life and it showed. If anything, I felt in the way and awkward, so I waited to be directed to do other things. With the Christmas tree finally finished, he plugged it in and to see his face light up the way it did, I was transported back to when he was a little boy, small and chocolate, excited about the presents that he had already peeked into but would certainly tear open on Christmas Day without any remembrance of what he’d done. For the first time ever, I helped put up lights outside a home. We draped strains of mesh like lights over this bush outside LRM’s house. It's an awesome and undescribable feeling to be incorporated in someone else's tradition and I can only hope that they'll be more instances to do so.

I’m so thankful for being about to make it this far…thankful for the friends and family that have come and gone and especially for those who seemed to be the permanent fixtures in my life. I’m thankful for life and the spurts of happiness I get to experience everyday, even on those days when it feels as if that happiness is short lived. I’m a thankful to wake up each day and see me, not the ghost of person I used to know, but the true person I’m becoming more and more each day.

Am I Loosing Myself?

This week has been a little hectic and looking back on it, I can barely remember what I did each day...I sat out to get so much done this week, both at home and a work. However, most of my plans fell through mainly because I'm beginning to have trouble w/managing the time I spend working, trying to have a healthy relationship and making time for myself.

While things at the office are moving at a steady pace--I've gotten into a comfort zone, finding myself at ease with my co-workers and feel that by the end of the day, I've accomplished the things that I sat out to do that day--my home life, my personal time, is lacking. Alas, I feel like I'm loosing myself; In 24 hours, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to just, well, BE.

This isn't the first time I've ever felt like this. Got this same feeling when I was in school, I believe it was my 2nd senior year at UTC. If I wasn't in class, in the computer lab working on a project or a paper or in a study session somewhere on campus, I was at a meeting or getting ready to go to a meeting or attending some event that I had promised I'd come to. I'd get home late, eat late, do some homework, pray and try to get some sleep (if I was lucky enough). And I promise it seemed as if the moment my head hit the pillow and I drifted to sleep, gee it was time to get up and do it all over again...

I never imagined that I'd be back in that same place again. I'm not half as busy as I used to be since undergrad is now apart of my past. But somehow, especially after acquiring a relationship, I'm finding myself stretched out with little, if not any, time to do the things that keep me centered. If I start writing in my journal, the phone rings or I get a text or I'm reminded that I really need to leave so I won't be late to work. When I'm not a work, I'm with my boyfriend trying to be the best girlfriend in the world. In my mind, we're spending quality time together, still getting to know each other, still trying to figure each other out and trying not to drive each other completely crazy. I'm fully aware that relationships aren't a piece of cake and that open communication and compromise are key factors in their success.

However, I think my problem lies in my ability to say no to him. Perhaps I've gotten so engrossed in attempting to be extra-available, extra-attentive and extra-aware of this other person in my life, that I've neglected my own needs as a singular individual. I'm squeezing in time to have conversations with Gator, with Ms. Foxx (my best friend in high school who has re-emerged in my life at the perfect time it seems b/c I missed her) and MBR/C, squeezing in time to sit quietly and enjoy solitude, just squeezing time...For so long, I've been a "self" fulling person. Being single does that to you. Now that there is someone, I guess I just don't know how to act.

I've resolved to do better! I MUST make time for me and in the upcoming weeks, I'm certainly going to concentrate on doing so....nothing beats an effort but to try.

Bliss, Ignorance is: Definition of Family...

On Bliss, Ignorance is: Definition of Family... MG and I had a quick conversation about the definintion of family yesterday as I was heading out for a date with My Guy.

It's kind of funny that we talked about this because I had just written about the same topic in my journal a few nights ago. One of my uncles, my mother's brother Aubrey, died early Sunday morning while I was visitng Memphis last weekend and as I was thinking about that, somehow my thoughts segued into what family is, its function, its definition, what it means. According to sociology and anthropology, the family has the primary function of reproducing — biologically, socially, or in both ways. Thus, one's experience of one's family shifts over time. From the perspective of children, the family functions as a family of orientation: the family serves to locate children socially, and plays a major role in their enculturation (if that's a word) and socialization. From the point of view of the parents, the family serves as a family of procreation with the goal of producing, enculturating and socializing children.

Carson McCullers said that family is "The we of me." Given the circumstances, we sometimes feel that our families will be "the end of me" but family in the purest form are the people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and usually (but not always) reside under one roof. Now whether a person's family resembles that of the traditional nuclear family is actually non-consequential to this conversation, but it is important to recognize that a family can also be seen as a group of people sharing common ancestry, lineage. But our family can also be those who share no blood relation, the friends that have stuck it out thru thick and thin no matter what the case, those who MG says "have your back."

As I sat letting my words flow easily from my pen to the page, I came to define family like this: Family is so much more than a mama, a daddy, a sister and a brother. It's so much more than those you share a blood line with, a last name or, if you're lucky, the holidays. Family is also a history book, one that you can't always open and read at your leizure. It's locked up unless you have a key--the ability to ask questions. You want to know why Uncle Junior has a glass eye. You got to ask. Wonder why Cousin Bertha disappeared for 3 years then came back with new name and identity. You got to ask. Want your ghetto burgers to be just as good as MeMaws. You got to ask. Want to know if Aunt Jackie was really married to a pimp. You got to ask.

What I'm getting at here is that family isn't just the people who help form it, but it's the knowledge, the history, even the secrets to the "me" in the "we" and vice versa. Family is what we fall back on (not forgetting the Lord) when everyone else forsakes us. It's where, I think, we first start to search for our individual places in this crazy ass world.

Faded Memories, New Beginnings and Slow Bus Days

It's been a little bit since I last posted. It wasn't like I didn't have things to share (there's LOADS on my mind right this instant) or some kind of mental blockage (aka writer's block). I've simply been a little preoccupied and pressed for time. I've been trying to incorporate my new job with my old routines but have found this extremely difficult at the moment. But after this weekend, I hope that things will be better.

SO HERE'S WHAT'S NEW...on May 15th I started a new job as a legal assistant/collector at KBWLO. This is literally my first "grown up" job-I work 40 hours a week, have to dress business casual, have a cubicle of my very own and company email. Not to mention benefits and 401K and accrued personal time off (eventually, say after my 90 days). I called people or they call me about medical debt that they've gotten into and sometimes I help set up payment arrangements, individuals agree to pay their debt in full or they become irate, curse me out and hang up. No matter what happens, there's never a dull moment at KBWLO and I'm still thoroughly surprised that I even got hired. So I've been working here for about 4 weeks now and I've just gotten comfortable with being on the phone and discussing financial matters. On Friday, I sent out my first suit listing letter to a debtor. I actually got excited about typing and printing this letter and the excitement didn't subside even as I folded it and place it in a envelope marked for certified mail. KBWLO offers opportunities to advance throughout the company and it's a family centered office, should that actually exist. Attorney Wilson comes through the office each day and speaks/slash chit-chats with each collector. When he stops at my cubicle he often scares me cause he just pops out of no where. He thinks it's amazingly funny that someone can scare so easily. Perhaps he may be popping up b/c he know this. I'm uncertain. Overall, I'm enjoying this experience and the pay's pretty good. So good that...

I'VE GOTTEN MYSELF A NEW "USED" CAR! It's a 1999 Black 2 Door Chevy cavalier that's been appropriately named 'Black Magic' from one of my fav Santana songs. At the dealership, it just would sink in that I now had an automobile of my own. While signing my signature to a bazillion pages, it still didn't sink in that I now had an automobile of my own. The thought didn't truly hit me until I was sitting inside it at an automatic carwash. White masses of foam were surrounding me, I reached out and touched the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Damn, I've got a car!" I go to bed a night, still praising God for this blessing b/c for a minute there, I didn't think it would happen. But it did and Black Magic is sitting in our apartment parking lot resting for tomorrow's 20 minute commute.

MY SAMSUNG FELL INTO MY CEREAL BOWL some Sundays ago. I fished it out as quickly as I could and even dried it out but ALAS, it died like week. Was reduced to a fuzzy, blinking screen so I switched my phone back to the Nokia. Oh, how I'd missed it. Some of the phone numbers transferred to the Nokia and others didn't so I've spent a nice amount of time trying to rebuild my phonebook. Can we say that's so freakin' boring! Rebuilding has allowed me to purge myself of numbers of people who rarely call me and I don't call them, officially placing them on the "Dismissed" list.

WITH THE NEW JOB, COMES NEW CODING AND POLICIES TO LEARN so my slow bus days have multiplied 10 fold. I got a real job and had to learn a whole new set of numbers, codes, computer systems and even abbreviations. My first week at my desk (after 2 weeks of training), I was a wreck trying to key in the correct responses to phone calls and such. Now I've got some more practice under my belt and check this: I even dreamed about answering and coding phone calls in my sleep. Maybe I won't be such a slow bus after all.

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WAS WONDERFULLY spent with family and few friends. I even spent the night with my mama. She and I stayed up for hours my first night in Memphis, talking and laughing and just reminiscing about the good and the bad. I told MG that it was almost like playing catch-up with an old college roommate you haven't seen in years. Mama expressed how proud she is of me and as usual, I cried. It never fails. Sometimes I just don't feel deserving of her praise. I think about the pain we both brought into each other's lives, wondering she can ever find pure goodness in me, my sister or my niece but she does. Motherly love is just amazing.

I'm praying that this new week is just as awesome as previous ones. I think that I'm becoming more profficient as a collector and I absolutely love getting up and going to work each day. Let's hope that this feeling doesn't disappear or waver any time soon.

My Heart Runeth over...Me, my Mama and my niece Briyanna
Nemrac

The Ultimate List Part 1

I was bored...I was up...I was thinking about my ideal mate and started to compose a list of the things (in no approximate order) that would all amount to the ONE for me. It may seem a little silly but hell, a girl can dream.

1. Between the ages 24-29
2. Between 5’10-6’4
3. Average to mid-athletic stature
4. Caramel to dark chocolate complexion
5. Social drinker
6. Non-smoker
7. Non-snorer
8. Some college, college graduate
9. Likes to read and/or write
10. Enjoys different kinds of music, movies, and foods
11. A believer in God’s word, the Trinity, and has accepted
God as his personal savior
12. Capable of passing the 3 T-Test: 1) puts the toilet seat down, 2) doesn’t put towels over the shower curtain, and 3) squeezes the toothpaste at the end and not the middle

13. Family oriented and is open to having his own family one day
14. Can change a flat tire, spark plugs or an oil filter if need be
15. Likes to watch porn but feels no need to star in his own
16. Moderate on PDA
17. Willingness to talk about himself–his hopes, fears, past–but isn’t cocky or narcissistic
18. Isn’t a Mama’s Boy, co-dependent, closed-minded or misogynistic
19. Loves and KNOWS how to kiss
20. 0-2 children from previous relationship (s)
21. Legal employment

22. Lives alone or w/roommates; if still lives at home, it’s because of unique circumstances
23. NOT a commitment phobic
24. NOT afraid to show his emotions
25. Will let me hog the remote control
26. Likes to play games– Scrabble, Monopoly, Jeopardy, Taboo, etc.
27. Likes to take things slow
28. Has an awesome sense of humor
29. Will not make me watch football or baseball or some other sport that I don’t comprehend
30. Has his own friends and will not insist that I like them all
31. Culturally, politically and worldly aware
32. Honest and will tell me when I’m wrong; also has no problem with admitting when he’s wrong
33. Thinks Napoleon Dynamite is funny as hell
34. Will scratch my dandruff and oil my scalp

MG Has Done It...

May 7, 2006 marked another milestone in the life of one of my favoritest people in the world, MC/BR a.k.a Mini Genuis. She graduated from the English Masters program today, strutting her stuff amongst 700+ undergrad and grad students and an arena full of proud parents, grandparents, drunken relatives, and friends who were probably hung over from celebrating the night before...I almost felt like a proud parent as I waited for her name to be called and watched her make her way across the stage. For 2 years, I've watched her spend hours in front of the computer working on a paper or a journal entry, seen her submerge herself in literature for weekends on end and even made fun of her when she got that B instead of an A in a grant writing course. I've even seen her push the art of procrastination to new heights...It's been an awesome trip, one that's even made me consider how sure I am about attending grad school in the future, but at the end I can honestly proclaim that I'm so very proud of my MG, in constant awe of her extreme capacity to learn and a teensy bit jealous of the way she's made getting an English masters appear easy. As always, I love her dearly and look forward to seeing what else life has in store for her and I just pray that I'll still be around to enjoy the ride!

Learning Curve for Black Men and Black Boys

This is an article emailed to me by one of my cousins. I thought it was extremely interesting and I wanted to share it with any and everybody.

Written By Tim King, the founder and chief executive officer of Urban Prep Academies, a non-profit education organization that is opening Urban Prep Charter Academy for Young Men--Englewood Campus in the fallMay 2, 2006

When I was growing up, the conversation around the dinner table frequently centered on school. "What did you learn today?" "How much homework do you have?" "When is your next test?" One question I don't remember being asked was: "Are you going to college?" In my family, graduating from college was a given; an understood step toward adulthood.

For most Chicago public high school students, the desire to attend college exists but actually graduating is not the reality, especially for black boys.

A recently released study by the Consortium for Chicago School Research indicates that fewer than 7 percent of freshmen entering Chicago public high schools will earn a college degree by their 25th birthday. This statistic hits African-American and Latino students the hardest since these groups make up more than 85 percent of public school students in Chicago. Dig deeper into the numbers and you find that only 2.5 percent of black male students make it through college--just about 1 in 50.

While this new data is appalling, it joins other grim statistics that detail the plight of young black males. For this group, homicide is the No. 1 cause of death, the high school dropout rate is 70 percent and the unemployment rate is three times the national average. Young black men are more than twice as likely as their white counterparts to be both out of school and out of work. For every white college-age male in prison, there are 28 in college; for black men, that ratio drops to less than 1 in 3.

Major newspapers across the country are reporting the growing struggle of this population. Last month, the Los Angeles Times described being young, black and male as "growing up on a tightrope" in a world that is "fearful of [black boys] at best and hostile at worst." Two weeks later, the New York Times warned that the "plight deepens for black men." Ronald Mincy, a Columbia University professor and editor of "Black Males Left Behind" believes "there's something very different happening with young black men, and it's something we can no longer ignore."

Perhaps the magnitude and complexity of the issues keep us from action. Perhaps we see so many problems that we think there are no solutions. But there are some steps we can take if we want to better our society and increase the number of Chicago Public School students who graduate from college.

First, we must improve the quality and rigor of public schools. The Gates Foundation recently committed more than $20 million toward this effort in Chicago. Beyond revamping school curricula, however, a shift in culture is necessary. Chicago schools must focus on preparing students to attend colleges and must promote an environment that values academic achievement and college attendance. Umoja Student Development, headquartered at Manley High School, is a program that takes students from some of Chicago's toughest schools and helps them get into and stay in college. Programs like this should be emulated and incorporated in every school.

Second, we must increase the number of schools that work. According to the consortium's report, Chicago's charter high school graduates on average had a higher college attendance rate and were going to more selective colleges than their public school counterparts. According to CPS' 2005 high school scorecard, Young Women's Leadership Charter School had the highest number of graduates enrolled in college compared with all other public non-selective enrollment high schools in the city. The University of Chicago's Center for Urban School Improvement, with support from the Gates and Dell Foundations, understands the importance of building successful schools and has created a network to support them here in Chicago. Corporations, both independently and in conjunction with Renaissance Schools Fund, have joined in the effort to create new small schools. These efforts should be applauded and increased.

The third, and arguably most important, step we need to take focuses on the worst performing group--black boys--and rests in large part on the shoulders of black men. They have to shift the conversation from bling to books, from rims to reading, from chillin' to college.

I have an older brother who went to Georgetown University, an uncle who is a lawyer and a father who is an entrepreneur. I went to Georgetown, graduated from law school and started a business. While it's hard to pinpoint exactly what or who inspires us to do the things we do, I'm certain that much of what I've achieved was influenced by these black men, my role models.We all should be outraged by the reality facing young black men.. It's time to set a new dinner table, sit down at it with these boys and show them an alternate future, one that includes working hard, being accountable and going to college. Until we embrace this responsibility, they will continue to fail and so will we.

Copyright (c) 2006, Chicago Tribune

It's Been A Long time...

Since I last posted and I suppose some things of pertinent interest have occurred...

I got a second job as a teacher assistant at Sylvan Learning Center. An actual fun place to work, the children that enter Sylvan's doors each day are quite well behaved and some of them are even, get this, really cute. However it did take them almost a month to give me a paycheck thanks to a payroll screw up. Let's not let that happen again.

I've finally got around to scheduling a day to take the GRE. The testing center that administers the test is actually located at Sylvan. I've taken a day off for it and I hope I do well. Now I'm one step closer to getting into grad school (hopefully). I really hope I do decently.

I'll no longer be attending my C/BR's friend's wedding, a decision that became solidified after receiving a comment from her about my reaction to her etiquette post. Geeze, you thought that I had talked about her mama or somethin'. Anyways, no biggie. I still wish the couple all the happiness in the world and I hope that their special day is one to remember.

Friends from the past have resurfaced and for once, we are both trying to establish permenant places in each other's lives. One is my best friend from middle and high school, another a guy that I dated briefly in high school and another is someone I'd "met" my junior year of college that I'd been in and out of touch with over the last 4 years. I hope that with the rekindling of old friendships that they'll last. I'm very tired of people popping in and out of my life and for those who are truly worth it, I'll fight to keep them there.

I went out looking for a car in hopes that finally I'd be able to get some transportation of my own, only to hit a road block or two. I was pretty hard on myself about it at first, but I've now gotten a grip and know that all will come in due time.

I do feel that in the last month or so, my faith, my spirituality has been challenged in every way possible. There have been instances where I felt like "Gee, what's going to go wrong next?" but the Lord has truly brought me through these moments of self-doubt and I'm thanking him each day for everything that comes my way.

I told my cousin that she was my best friend and I hope that doesn't jinx our relationship. She's known me like for 17 years, been there through thick and thin, knows some of my deepest secrets, enough that if she wanted, she could frame me for a serious crime and get me locked up if she wanted to. Always totally honest, unconditionally caring and looking out for me, she's never left me to fry unlike many who have forsaken me. She's shares in my dreams and always helps to cheer me up when I'm feeling a little down. I'm so blessed to have her not just as a friend but as family. I LOVE YOU MG!

To Judge Means...

to consider or reckon, to form an opinion of somebody or something, especially after thought or consideration

OR

to assess the quality of something or estimate probabilities...

Whatever definition suites a particular situation, one truth that remains constant is that the act of judging is what WE all do on a day-to-day basis. After a comment I received about a previous post of mine, I couldn't help but wonder: Had I taken my judgment on Emily Post and AR's upcoming nuptials too far?

Upon careful consideration, my answer to that question is simply no. My comments are merely my opinions, my thoughts and should someone not like them, well...Das ist mir scheißegal

It is estimated that...

Every year in the United States, approximately 3 million women are assaulted by their partner. In 1998, of the approximately 1.5 million violent crimes committed between intimate partners, over 876,000 of the victims were women...Of the approximately 1,830 murders committed against intimate partners in 1998, 3 out of 4 of the victims were women. That's a sad reality.

A little while after my father's death in '92, the relationship my sister was in turned violent...I remember weekends when she'd leave w/Joe-Blow, in her cutest outfit, hair permed and pretty, face beautiful, only to return Sunday night or Monday morning bruised from head to toe. Sometimes the bruises were minor. Sometimes she'd limp. But for the longest, she never said a word to anyone; not her best friend Tasha, me or our mama. I was 10 or 11 then, so maybe that's why she'd never confided in me. However, age didn't stop me from expressing my concern for my sister one Sunday after she'd spent most of her day in our room, a place she'd made dark and almost cave-like, the place where she'd stay hidden for the next few days as she nursed a newly blackened eye.

"I'm not grown or anything," I whispered in the dark. "But love should never hurt so much that it shows."

For the next 8 years or so, Joe-Blow would continue to show how much her loved my sister with his fists, feet, knives, a chair or whatever he could get his hands on. After about 3 years of the abuse, my sister would then find the guts to take some kind of stand by fighting him back. The first time I'd ever seen her get physical w/Joe-Blow was the summer of '96 when she threw one of mama's new wooden lawn chairs at Joe-Blow, knocked him off our porch into the front yard and pounced on him, her fists flailing in fury over every inch of his 5'10 frame. Needless to say, Joe-Blow went to jail that day (something that would happen many times more) and my sister almost went with him.

Things weren't always bad between the two and sometimes you could tell that they really did love each other. Loved each other so much that in those 8 years they had 3 beautiful children-1 boy & 2 girls-and even tried living together and entertained the idea of marriage. I remember times when we ate together, went to the park or the movies and things seemed normal, even for just a few moments. But things weren't. My sister was a living, breathing and walking victim of domestic violence. Everyone knew it, lots of people even witnessed it and none of us really did anything about it.

Joe-Blow wasn't a Denzel in any respect. From the country, a mechanic by trade, he worked here and there but never held down a steady job. He seemed quite nomadic to me and I often wondered how my sister, a college grad, saw anything appealing about this guy. But she did. In reality, she fell in love with an alcoholic, drug dependent sadomasochist and dead-beat dad; she would put her life and our family's life in danger for a long time and after all that, I'm still asking myself, why? In a sea of Lifetime movies and newscasts on violence against women, how could my sister fall victim to such mess?

My C/BRE came back from her spring break w/news that her quirky friend, T, had gotten her husband put in jail for assault and this morning we talked more about the situation. T's husband, while he's not a mirror image of Joe-Blow, is bad enough, the classic example of man-not-worth-the-skin-he's-printed-on: Selfish, immature, and obviously incapable of self-control since he put his hands on her. Their marriage is such a sham (and certainly worthy of another post in the future) and in my opinion should have never happened in the first place. For the second time, he's put his hands on her, pulling out her hair and kicking and punching her. Oh, and all done in front of their children. She got fed up (a little too late if you ask me) and called the police on him. Ironically, instead of being commended for this, family members and even a neighbor have criticized her actions. The nosey neighbor even had the audacity to say that T had done a disservice to Black men "since they're already enough of them in jail as it is." What bogosity! Imagine feeling bad for someone who clearly deserves to be in jail for assaulting his wife. What if he'd gotten even more violent and ended up killing her? Talking about T's situation made me think of my sister...she overcame the abuse but there are so many women who don't. According to the Bureau of Statistics, in 2001 there were 1,247 fatal domestic violence incidents.

The situation made me think about the impact that the abuse may have had on my nieces and especially my nephew...In homes where domestic violence occurs, children in the home are at a 300% greater risk of being abused. I pray everyday that my nephew will be nothing like his father and I hope that my nieces will never have to go through what their mother experienced.

The Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women, Conducted by the US Department of Justice states that "Women experience more intimate partner violence than do men: 22.1 percent of surveyed women, compared with 7.4 percent of surveyed men, reported they were physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, or date in their lifetime; 1.3 percent of surveyed women and 0.9 percent of surveyed men reported experiencing such violence in the previous 12 months. Approximately 1.3 million women are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States."

It's often said that we should never say never but I totally disagree. I mean it when I say that a man will never put his hands on me and live to tell about it. I've witnessed the demise of too many women because some little, insecure boy masquerading as man decided he needed to validate his manhood by enslaving his significant other. A smart little girl of 10 or 11 once said, "I'm not grown or anything but love should never hurt so much that it shows."

Senacle: On No Child Left Behind

So I recently got another job in the "educational sector" (as one of my friends calls it) as a teacher assistant at Sylvan Learning Center. The atmosphere is quite different from Howard-students come in fairly quiet, ready to go over their homework for the evening, elated over the B or A they've gotten on a recent test or even excited about the new lessons they'll be introduced to with their teachers. I move around tables of teachers and students without having to worry about being called a "Snitchin' Ass, Baldheaded Bitch" or any other catchy phrases that I've heard from the 9th graders I tutor throughout the week.

After my first day at Sylvan, I wondered what made these students so much different from those I see at Howard and the biggest difference I thought of immediately was that the children that come to Sylvan WANT to be there. It may have been the last resort for them but they truly want to be there and their parents have encouraged them to their best once they walk through our doors.

On several occassions, I've had the What's-Really-Wrong-With-todays-Kids conversation, exchanging the typical sentiments of many:

The problem is and always will be kids having kids!!!Now that is no excuse for
raising unruly children but it starts in the home and with the parents.
The problem only includes kids having kids...people try to blame stuff
everywhere
but where its supposed to be..the problem with kids begins with
the
parents....ther is a serious lack of moral education among kids and
parents, and
especially among blacks...it's a sad cycle.

In the Senacle: On No Child Left Behind post, we Tennesseans are reminded of the farse of an educational act NCLB and its indequacy to truly offer quality education to those attending public schools. NCLB punishes a school, a district, or a state if they fail to make adequate progress according to the goals they themselves establish causing the incentives to be set at lower expectations instead of higher; It also helps to increase segregation by class and race and push low-performing students out of school altogether (And I'm witnessing this at Howard).

Schools, districts, and states are also potentially set to game the system by manipulating which students are included or excluded from test-taking (to enhance apparent school performance) and by creative reclassification of drop-outs (to reduce unfavorable statistics)

States and school districts should be granted greater freedom to target assistance to schools with the most extensive academic difficulties. After-school programs are neglected. NCLB is designed to set the stage for the eventual privatization of the U.S. public school system: reports about struggling schools sour public opinion and may cause more and more voters to question the viability of public education.

It's sad to think that people just don't care about future of education...I cry silently because to moan aloud means to be ignored.

Lessons that MUST be learned in relationships Pt. 3

Falling in love and remaining so is easy; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it's a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes the person one desires to be. - Anna Louise Strong

Ain't it amazing how poeple shape us, how much they have influence over us. We'll go the extra mile just to make others proud, to receive admiration from others and to keep it. There's nothing wrong with wanting those we care about to be happy but when this attempt becomes excessive to the point that you'll accept all kinds of negative behavior in a relationship, things take a turn for the worse.

I've known two individuals who fit this senario perfectly. These two are some of the sweetest people in the world, would give their last to those they care about but at the same time, they've allowed the crappiest folks in the world to dictate who they should be. They've let them treat them awfully, belittle them in public, make promises that they know they'll never keep, yet somehow have managed to find permanent places in there hearts. These two settled for people that they've deemed the only ones for them and have devoted their lives to them. Which leads me to the #3 and #4 lessons that MUST be learned in relationships...

Never live your life for someone before you find what makes you happy and don't settle.

What I Know to Be True for Me: Being BR's Friend

In a previous post, What I Know to Be True for Me: Being BR's Friend, I talked about the struggle I've had to endure when it comes to having a platonic friendship w/BR. We've recently had firey debates on the state of public education in Hamilton county and over which-public or privated education-should Black folks invest in more. I'm for public school despite the disparity I've seen at Howard and staunchly believe that we need to focus on getting quality public education for Black kids; BR's views are completely opposite, deeming that the focus needs to be on Blacks creating private instituations for their kids. This debate has esculated in full-blown arguments between us pushing me to the brink of hanging up in his face ( I have yet to actually go there). Some days back BR apologize for how our conversations have been but based this apology on my lacking the ability to argue effectively without emotion. What an asshole! How could apologize and then insult me? I thought we were working on being better friends, but I've had enough. He's on the I-Wouldn't-Piss-on-You-if-You-Were-on-Fire list. Nough said.

Is It May Yet? April's Wedding Thoughts: An etiquette lesson...

Is It May Yet? April's Wedding Thoughts: An etiquette lesson... tells us of Emily Post and her thoughts on proper wedding etiquette. I found these exerts to be highly ridiculous ones that only made me think of the absurd lengths couples go to in order to pull off the "perfect" wedding, even when they don't have the finances or time. The last time I checked, E. Post was a white woman who obviously doesn't know that Black folks weddings are not, sometimes almost never, traditional so following her etiquette lessons (while that make perfect sense) just won't fly with most Black folks. If April thinks that people are going to give a rats behind about these lessons and actually adhere to them, well she's in for a rude awakening. I'm not bringing the newlywed couple a damn gift. I don't know the HTB and I barely know her. Plus, I'm broke as eva and can predict that in May, I still won't have any extra cash to spend on a gift anyways.

I've never really fantasized about my dream wedding but for some, it's been the thing that spent most of their brain power conjuring up fairlytale images. After months of not speaking to "Friend," I finally did and our conversation lingered on this topic. She's is the type of person who looks at every male as a possible marriage partner and has planned out her weddings to each one in that sick mind of hers. "Friend" wants to have not just 1 maid of honor but 4. Her bridal party must all wear the same dress and their hair must be exactly the same, except for me of course (and I couldn't believe that I was still included in her wedding fantasies) b/c I'm not altering the fro for anyone. She wants ushers! I know that people get married in churches but they aren't actually attending church so I don't understand the need for ushers. Hell, folks know how to go take a seat on their own! Selective hearing kicked into high gear so I didn't really hear any of the other details that she wanted to share. I did hear her mention Turtle Head which lets me know that she's moved up in the ranking of Most-Pathetic-and Utterly-Stupid women in the world. Whew, the things I could say about Turtle Head but I won't dare tarnish this post with any more foolishness.

Why can't couples just have simple wedding ceremonies? A preacher/rabbi/justice of the peace, a best man, a maid of honor, a few extra close friends and a few family members (i.e. Moms, Pops, grandparents should they still be alive, a brother, a sister). There are so many simple things...the simple black dress, simple tax forms, even simple form for fractions. Weddings should be just as simple. Just show up and say "I do."

I Got a Phone Call

from a friend today. Went something like this...

TP: Are you going to practice
today?

CE: I
plan to...

(continuous
exchange of banter)

TP:
If you don't go, who's going to tell them about their arms. You said you'd tell
them!

CE:
You can tell them.

TP:
NO! I can't. They won't listen to me. They never do!

I couldn't understand why TP had this thought in her head that she could open her mouth in front of her peers. I mean, it's a group of grown women (I may be giving some of them too much credit) not a bunch of 16-year-old popular girls from high school. We got off the phone but then I couldn't help but wonder, even as adults, does the fear of speaking up still manage to revert some of us back to the stagnant thinking our adolescent years?

Theodore Roosevelt said: "It is better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they know not victory nor defeat. "

Here he speaks of those bridled by the fear of speaking up, those who, in my opinion, lack the assertiveness needed to make themselves heard. My mama used to say that "closed mouths don't get fed" and as a shy kid who seemed to always be in the background, I witnessed that this was certainly true. I can remember being put in some compromising situations simply because I wouldn't (or couldn't as I'd gotten accustomed to believing) say no, stand my ground or express what I try wanted. Needless to say, I grew up and out of the shyness that plagued me although there are some things that I still find myself becoming coy and uneasy about today. However, you'll will not find a time today that Carmie Escabar won't speak out against the things that I deem totally wrong, especially if it's something that will better an entire group of people in the long run.

To be assertive is to be confident in stating your position; it's being strong and pronounced and I find myself tremendously bothered by people who can't do this, who it appears always needs someone else to say what needs to be said. It's such a wonderful feeling to know that as individuals we have the right to say "I don't like that" or "that just doesn't seem to be a good idea" and I can't fathom why a person would consciously make the decision to not exercise that right. Someone said that "When you don't know what you want, you often end up where you don't want to be." Well, I think this also suffices for when you don't SAY what you want. You'll end up God knows where-unhealthy relationships, one-sided friendships or with some tacky wall paint in your livingroom.

This thought just occurred to me: Maybe it is because I refuse to let others lead me blindly that I appear to intimidate.

Well, if this is true, then so be it. I stood in the background and let others make decisions for me way too long. I'm not a pushover and no one will turn me into one.

Valentine's Day a.k.a That Wretched Day

With Valentine's Day almost around the corner, I figured I share my thoughts on what many deemed to be a very special day.

Valentine's Day (also comically known as Singles' Awareness Day) is the traditional day on which lovers let each other know about their love.

The history of Valentine's day can be traced back to an obscure Catholic Church feast day, said to be in honor of Saint Valentine. The day's associations with romantic love arrived after the High Middle Ages, during which the concept of romantic love was formulated.

The day is now most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines." Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, the practice of hand writing notes has largely given way to the exchange of mass-produced greeting cards. The Greeting Card Association estimates that, world-wide, approximately one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. The association also estimates that women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines. I am not included in that figure. But you can't help but wonder...Why take one day, when there are clearly 364 other days in the year, to express the love you, the genuine admiration you have for someone else?

With me basking in my singledom and all, if I were to truly acknowledge this day, my VDay would be spent alone. It would mark the 3rd or 4th year that I'm romantically detached. However, I refuse to even go there. I can look at it all from this perspective: I won't be disappointed if I don't get flowers and chocolates; I won't have to get dressed from some fancy dinner & a surprise that may not be anything I'd ever expect.

But for those couples all over the world who do have special plans for VDay, I hope that you enjoy yourselves and remember that this day isn't about what spiffy gift your guy or gal is going to shower you with or where you'll have dinner or go dancing. It's really about being with the one you love and them knowing that you love them unconditionally.

I've been intending...

to blog but this week has been a difficult one for me. It has certainly been one filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Sunday, I left church service with MBR/C to come home to the apartment hours later and breakdown & cry over the phone with my sister, Gator. I'd been feeling like lately, I just couldn't get things in my life straight. It's a feeling of uneasiness, distress and worry that is oftentimes, quite difficult for me to express; it all builds & eventually, I breakdown & cry. And when I say that it builds, I mean that months and months of mess accumulate and then I suddenly explode. Now that I think about it, crying has always been difficult for me to do. You know, some people can do it instantly. The water works seem to come on during movies, at weddings or even while reading a book. However, it doesn't work that way for me. My father died of a heart attack when I was 11 and I didn't even cry at the funeral. It actually took days for me to show any emotion, but it did happen. So on Sunday, all the pain I'd been feeling about loads of things-not getting hired at Girls, Inc., being broke as eva & having crappy credit to not knowing what it is that's suppose to be my calling when it seems that everyone else in the world does, finding a good job and (sadly) my being single for the third year in a row-unraveled, hot tears spilled out of my eyes & down my face, and I cried as I gushed everything to my sister. It felt so wonderful to let it all out, to truly purge my mind but my soul still felt a little heavy. But the most awesome thing Gator did was to remind me of my faith, the one thing that's always been constant in my life. Later on that night, I had a long, much needed conversation with Him that truly helped to lift the burdens that had been weighing me down for quite some time.

I Survived...

My first two weeks as an academic tutor for GEARUP(Gaining Early Awareness and Readiness for Undergraduate Programs), a program at my alma mater that's designed to help Chattanooga middle & high school students get to, pay for, and succeed in college, and I couldn't be more pleased with myself.

I'm an English tutor at Howard High School of Academics & Technology, an all black school that was established in 1865 by the American Missionary

Society. The school has a bit of history attached to it with it being the first free public school in Hamilton County. In 1873, Howard School was incorporated into the Chattanooga School System and it was named after General Oliver Howard, Commissioner of the Freedmen’s Bureau. Its curricula includes courses in English, Foreign Language, Math, Science, Social Studies, "Career", Fine Arts, PE, and JNROTC --classes that most of us had in our own high schools years ago. However, there on block scheduling. Traditionally, schools schedule six or seven 40- to 55- minute classes per day. These classes usually meet for 180 school days per school year but with block scheduling there are fewer class sessions scheduled for larger blocks of time over fewer days. For example, in block scheduling, a course might meet for 90 minutes a day for 90 days, or half a school year. Does this type of scheduling have any advantage over more traditional scheduling methods? Schools that have tried it believe it does but from observing the behavior and attitudes of some students, I think not (but I won't get into all that in this post)...

My first day at Howard was an experience...the students were a mess; rude, disrespectful, cursing and talking back to their teacher and not paying any attention to instructions it seemed. It's a new semester for them so I suppose they were just testing her any which way they could to see how far they could go in pissing her off for the New Year. One female student came into 2nd block late and she was pregnant. I really wasn't ready to see this. I mean, it's 9th grade for crying out loud! You're immature, acne prone, uneasy around your peers but not pregnant. Of course, times have change and it's blatantly obvious that today's children, today's high schooler's aren't the similar to those 4 or 5 years ago. It seemed that the 3rd block students were uglier, louder and ruder and 4th block seemed to transcend what I'd thought about the previous blocks.

During 4th block, I watched these 2 boys constantly taunt one of their classmates. I mean, just picking at him for no reason at all, throwing paper wads, pen tops and pencils a the boy and name calling. Just watching this was working my nerves but I just wanted to see what the other boy would do before I said a word. When he took it upon himself to move away from the punks, I made my decision to speak up and them them to quit the foolishness & be quiet. One of them gave me a little lip service but I ignored him and minutes later, he was quiet, watching the movie and answering the questions his teacher had given him. The next day that I saw him, he apologized for being disrespectful. Ah, 1 point for me; 0 for the teenaged bullies EVERYWHERE!

From the academic perspective, the classes watched the animated movie Antz to supplement the reading of George Orwell's Animal Farm. Pixar's Antz isn't as child-centric as it seems for it deals with slightly more complex themes like conformity and war, similar themes found in the Orwell classic. I was amazed that Animal Farm had found its way onto the English 9 reading list. I don't think I read it until maybe my sophomore year in high school some years ago. For those that may have forgotten what the book's about (or have never even heard of it before), Animal Farm is a satirical novel, a modern fable if you will about a group of animals who oust the humans from the farm they live on and run it themselves, only to have it corrupted into a brutal tyranny on its own. It was written during World War II and published in 1945, although it wasn't widely successful until the late 1950s. Many events in the book are based on ones from the Soviet Union during the Stalin era. I re-read the book this Christmas and found it far more enjoyable than when I was 16 and slightly oblivious. Of course, these students are having a difficult time finding any interest in the book at this moment...

I spent a lot of time just observing the students, trying to figure out the approach I wanted to take in getting to know them and having them respect me as an adult. You know it's so easy to look into the faces of these students and see the nothingness that the our society expects from them.

At first glance, they're unruly, ghetto teens-they have no respect for themselves, each other or even the administration. You look a little deeper, there's more to shock you-some of them are academically behind, emotionally unstable and utterly immature. BUT, what if there's more? There's got to be more, right?

If only these students could get a glimpse into their futures, see what happens if the status quo is actually accepted and not challenged. Would they then show each other a little more respect? Apply themselves? Prove society wrong about its expectations of them? Or are they too far gone to even know the difference, to even know that there is more for them but that they have to start caring more aobut themselves to really achieve...

Lately, I've wondered if I can make some difference in their lives some how. I suppose that time can only tell.

Reflecting (Ode to the American Dream)

Lately, I've been doing alot of thinking about the past...as an undergrad, I absolutely detested Mondays. I loathed Mondays. Mondays seemed to have gotten here so fast. Of course, that was especially true when you'd just gotten off of one job at 7 am to rush home, shower, maybe have some coffee and redress for another job that began at 8:30. A few summers ago, I was working the 11 to 7 shift as a night auditor at a hotel downtown on the weekends. Actually, all the work that my job entailed-checking the books for the evening, writing down wake up calls for the next morning, helping guests who mysteriously locked themselves ot of their rooms get back in-got done by 12 or 12:30, so I'd try to read for summer classes or write a little before I fell asleep at the front desk.

I remember one weekend, when I'd just gotten into a lengthy chapter on defamation in my communication law & ethics textbook, in no more than 30 minutes, I was fast asleep, my face resting on the open pages of my book with my hands folded in my lap. That was like THE BEST SLEEP I'd gotten all week! Sometimes the security guard named Lester would wake me up. He'd flirt, tell the most obscene jokes or even try to get my number. Lester was a 32-year-old balding black man who wouldn't face that fact that he'd never have enough hair for a baby fro in this lifetime.

My first night on the job he asked, "What you takin' up in school?" I told him English, specifically writing. "Aw shit, then, I got to watch what I say 'round you," he said, as he leaned over the front desk, staring me in the face. "I've got to use proper grammar around you, don't I?" he asked me in what had to be the worst impression of an Englishman I'd ever heard.
It irritates me that once I'd tell people what my major was, they'd feel the need to change the way they were speaking all of a sudden as if I was the grammar patrol. Putting that aside, Lester was a pretty cool guy once I got to know him better, he watched out for me, made sure the building was safe and often asked how my week had gone.

Monday through Friday, I worked from 8:30 to 4 as a day camp counselor at the Y. I had 5 & 6 year-old-s, leading sing-a-longs llike "My Hat Has Three Corners" and "Herman the Worm." I was often far more excited about the sing-a-longs than my group was so I ended up embarrassing myself day after day. If I wasn't leading songs, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "Please, sit down Shane! Don't lock Kristina in the pool lockers! Get quiet or you'll lose your swim time!" all day until it was time for me to go to class. I got a break from 11 to 2 to come back to campus for a communication class I was taking that summer. By 2, I was back at the Y listening to kids question and moan, "When are we swimming? It's hot! I'm tired!" until I got off at 4.

That was what my summer was like. I never would have imagined that I'd be working 2 jobs to support myself but I was (and I'm still doing it now). I'm officially an adult with responsibilities and financial obligations. There's rent, a cell phone, storage and utilites to be paid for. But I've got dreams and in order for them to come true one day, I've to pay my dues and continue to live One Day at a Time.

Sometimes a Song...

Can express everything that you're feeling at a given time. I've been feeling the old school hits alot lately and I just had to share these lyrics with whom ever will read them and possibly feel me:

Wild Flower

She faced the hardest times you can imagine

And many times her eyes fought back the tears

And when her youthful world was about to fall in

Each time her slender shoulders

For the weight of all her tears

And a sorrow no one hears

Still rings in midnight silence in her ears

Chorus:Let her cryfor she's a lady

Let her dream for she's a child

Let the rain fall down upon her

She's a free and gentle flower growing wild

And if by chance that I should hold her

Let me hold her for a while

And if allowed just one posession

I would pick her from her garden to be mine

It's a New Year!...

And what better way to begin the year, than with a few resolutions, personal commitments that I've made to help mold me into a more delightful person for 2006.

Did you know that the name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day and remain until the set goal has been achieved, although many resolutions go unachieved and are often broken fairly shortly after they are set. But not for me! I think that lots of people break their resolutions because they didn't set real, attainable goals in the first place. Mine are very realistic.

I have 3 New Year resolutions: 1) Eat sensibly & increase exercise; 2) Work on rebuilding worthwhile, healthy relationships with two people I readily wrote off in 2005; and 3) stop being bitter and cynical about love & relationships w/the opposite sex.

I think that these are healthy, attainable goals that I've set for 2006 and I intend to achieve each one of them.

Lessons that MUST be learned in Relationships...

2) Slower is better. Why are we in such a hurry when it comes to being in relationships? It's as if we're in some race to get to the good stuff-deep emotional connections, sexual gratification, long-term commitment-before either party is truly ready for these things. When we don't slow down and truly enjoy the now with a particular person, we tend to get caught up in a storm of emotions and uncomfortable situations like unrequited emotional attachment, infatuation, confusing love for lust, girlfriends/boyfriends that you didn't know about or planning where the relationship should go in a certain amount of time (a big no-no often committed by females) or even unhappy, quickie marriages that last more that 6 months. We've all heard the saying that "Patience is a virtue" and it's obvious that people should take heed to this more often. So, take one day at a time to really explore the relationship that may(or may not) be developing with someone special.