Lessons that MUST be learned in relationships Pt. 3

Falling in love and remaining so is easy; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it's a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes the person one desires to be. - Anna Louise Strong

Ain't it amazing how poeple shape us, how much they have influence over us. We'll go the extra mile just to make others proud, to receive admiration from others and to keep it. There's nothing wrong with wanting those we care about to be happy but when this attempt becomes excessive to the point that you'll accept all kinds of negative behavior in a relationship, things take a turn for the worse.

I've known two individuals who fit this senario perfectly. These two are some of the sweetest people in the world, would give their last to those they care about but at the same time, they've allowed the crappiest folks in the world to dictate who they should be. They've let them treat them awfully, belittle them in public, make promises that they know they'll never keep, yet somehow have managed to find permanent places in there hearts. These two settled for people that they've deemed the only ones for them and have devoted their lives to them. Which leads me to the #3 and #4 lessons that MUST be learned in relationships...

Never live your life for someone before you find what makes you happy and don't settle.

What I Know to Be True for Me: Being BR's Friend

In a previous post, What I Know to Be True for Me: Being BR's Friend, I talked about the struggle I've had to endure when it comes to having a platonic friendship w/BR. We've recently had firey debates on the state of public education in Hamilton county and over which-public or privated education-should Black folks invest in more. I'm for public school despite the disparity I've seen at Howard and staunchly believe that we need to focus on getting quality public education for Black kids; BR's views are completely opposite, deeming that the focus needs to be on Blacks creating private instituations for their kids. This debate has esculated in full-blown arguments between us pushing me to the brink of hanging up in his face ( I have yet to actually go there). Some days back BR apologize for how our conversations have been but based this apology on my lacking the ability to argue effectively without emotion. What an asshole! How could apologize and then insult me? I thought we were working on being better friends, but I've had enough. He's on the I-Wouldn't-Piss-on-You-if-You-Were-on-Fire list. Nough said.

Is It May Yet? April's Wedding Thoughts: An etiquette lesson...

Is It May Yet? April's Wedding Thoughts: An etiquette lesson... tells us of Emily Post and her thoughts on proper wedding etiquette. I found these exerts to be highly ridiculous ones that only made me think of the absurd lengths couples go to in order to pull off the "perfect" wedding, even when they don't have the finances or time. The last time I checked, E. Post was a white woman who obviously doesn't know that Black folks weddings are not, sometimes almost never, traditional so following her etiquette lessons (while that make perfect sense) just won't fly with most Black folks. If April thinks that people are going to give a rats behind about these lessons and actually adhere to them, well she's in for a rude awakening. I'm not bringing the newlywed couple a damn gift. I don't know the HTB and I barely know her. Plus, I'm broke as eva and can predict that in May, I still won't have any extra cash to spend on a gift anyways.

I've never really fantasized about my dream wedding but for some, it's been the thing that spent most of their brain power conjuring up fairlytale images. After months of not speaking to "Friend," I finally did and our conversation lingered on this topic. She's is the type of person who looks at every male as a possible marriage partner and has planned out her weddings to each one in that sick mind of hers. "Friend" wants to have not just 1 maid of honor but 4. Her bridal party must all wear the same dress and their hair must be exactly the same, except for me of course (and I couldn't believe that I was still included in her wedding fantasies) b/c I'm not altering the fro for anyone. She wants ushers! I know that people get married in churches but they aren't actually attending church so I don't understand the need for ushers. Hell, folks know how to go take a seat on their own! Selective hearing kicked into high gear so I didn't really hear any of the other details that she wanted to share. I did hear her mention Turtle Head which lets me know that she's moved up in the ranking of Most-Pathetic-and Utterly-Stupid women in the world. Whew, the things I could say about Turtle Head but I won't dare tarnish this post with any more foolishness.

Why can't couples just have simple wedding ceremonies? A preacher/rabbi/justice of the peace, a best man, a maid of honor, a few extra close friends and a few family members (i.e. Moms, Pops, grandparents should they still be alive, a brother, a sister). There are so many simple things...the simple black dress, simple tax forms, even simple form for fractions. Weddings should be just as simple. Just show up and say "I do."

I Got a Phone Call

from a friend today. Went something like this...

TP: Are you going to practice
today?

CE: I
plan to...

(continuous
exchange of banter)

TP:
If you don't go, who's going to tell them about their arms. You said you'd tell
them!

CE:
You can tell them.

TP:
NO! I can't. They won't listen to me. They never do!

I couldn't understand why TP had this thought in her head that she could open her mouth in front of her peers. I mean, it's a group of grown women (I may be giving some of them too much credit) not a bunch of 16-year-old popular girls from high school. We got off the phone but then I couldn't help but wonder, even as adults, does the fear of speaking up still manage to revert some of us back to the stagnant thinking our adolescent years?

Theodore Roosevelt said: "It is better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they know not victory nor defeat. "

Here he speaks of those bridled by the fear of speaking up, those who, in my opinion, lack the assertiveness needed to make themselves heard. My mama used to say that "closed mouths don't get fed" and as a shy kid who seemed to always be in the background, I witnessed that this was certainly true. I can remember being put in some compromising situations simply because I wouldn't (or couldn't as I'd gotten accustomed to believing) say no, stand my ground or express what I try wanted. Needless to say, I grew up and out of the shyness that plagued me although there are some things that I still find myself becoming coy and uneasy about today. However, you'll will not find a time today that Carmie Escabar won't speak out against the things that I deem totally wrong, especially if it's something that will better an entire group of people in the long run.

To be assertive is to be confident in stating your position; it's being strong and pronounced and I find myself tremendously bothered by people who can't do this, who it appears always needs someone else to say what needs to be said. It's such a wonderful feeling to know that as individuals we have the right to say "I don't like that" or "that just doesn't seem to be a good idea" and I can't fathom why a person would consciously make the decision to not exercise that right. Someone said that "When you don't know what you want, you often end up where you don't want to be." Well, I think this also suffices for when you don't SAY what you want. You'll end up God knows where-unhealthy relationships, one-sided friendships or with some tacky wall paint in your livingroom.

This thought just occurred to me: Maybe it is because I refuse to let others lead me blindly that I appear to intimidate.

Well, if this is true, then so be it. I stood in the background and let others make decisions for me way too long. I'm not a pushover and no one will turn me into one.

Valentine's Day a.k.a That Wretched Day

With Valentine's Day almost around the corner, I figured I share my thoughts on what many deemed to be a very special day.

Valentine's Day (also comically known as Singles' Awareness Day) is the traditional day on which lovers let each other know about their love.

The history of Valentine's day can be traced back to an obscure Catholic Church feast day, said to be in honor of Saint Valentine. The day's associations with romantic love arrived after the High Middle Ages, during which the concept of romantic love was formulated.

The day is now most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines." Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, the practice of hand writing notes has largely given way to the exchange of mass-produced greeting cards. The Greeting Card Association estimates that, world-wide, approximately one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. The association also estimates that women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines. I am not included in that figure. But you can't help but wonder...Why take one day, when there are clearly 364 other days in the year, to express the love you, the genuine admiration you have for someone else?

With me basking in my singledom and all, if I were to truly acknowledge this day, my VDay would be spent alone. It would mark the 3rd or 4th year that I'm romantically detached. However, I refuse to even go there. I can look at it all from this perspective: I won't be disappointed if I don't get flowers and chocolates; I won't have to get dressed from some fancy dinner & a surprise that may not be anything I'd ever expect.

But for those couples all over the world who do have special plans for VDay, I hope that you enjoy yourselves and remember that this day isn't about what spiffy gift your guy or gal is going to shower you with or where you'll have dinner or go dancing. It's really about being with the one you love and them knowing that you love them unconditionally.