It was great having him here but by his last day (Friday) he was really working my last nerves. Leaving the toilet seat up, throwing damp towels over the shower curtain and not making up bed when he wasn't in it. With him being there, I missed out on going to a play and out for drinks with MWFs. But don't get me wrong, I really did enjoy having him here. We talked about the past, we hinted at the future (if they'll actually even be one for us; I'll elaborate on this more a little later) and basked in the present. But again, he worked a nerve. Wanting me to fix him this, get him that, sleep on the outside so that he can be warm, watch SportCenter 24/7 and (for the love of God) listen to Young Jeezy (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little as I typed those words).
He certainly made my "normal" routine less applicable with him being here. I found it odd after the first night he was here, that in the morning when I was getting ready to start another week of interning, working and classes, he watched me (more liked peeked at me from under the covers) as I got dressed and right as I was getting ready to leave, he told me to have a good day. In my world of utter independence and functioning by the I-Buy-One-Sandwich theory, this jolted me, caught me completely off guard. Most of the ride to campus that first morning, I was still processing in my mind what he'd said. That evening once I'd returned to the apartment, he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and asked me how my day was, as if I'd been slaving in the corporate world for 8 or 10 hours of my day. Again, I was jolted, caught completely off guard and found it difficult to respond to his simple question. I mean, think about it: How many guys ask their girls how their days were and actually mean it?
Why was I being such a dork about sharing my selfspace with someone that I still care for? That's a question that I keep mulling over and over in my head. Waking up next to him was different each day he was here. I watched him sleeping and found myself wishing that I could do this more often. My mind raced from there, wondering wha
t if we could give it another try, even with the distance and all. Could he and I honestly be a couple again? There are so many things that come to mind when I being to ponder this question...We took completely different paths (educationally, socially) in the last 8 or 9 years, does that truly matter?
Can he be the man I need him to be?
Does the distance really make things too complicated to withstand?
What changes would we both be willing to make in order to make this work?
Just because he's an Ex, should he stay that way?
In being with him, I feel that I don't have to be strong all the time. Embracing my vulnerability isn't necessarily a bad thing with him; letting my guard down for a little bit is okay. I don't feel like he's being overly judgmental or critical of me. He's always told me the truth, even if it hurt. He knows about the tough times I went through during my high school years cause he was there. There seems to never be a reason to explain my feelings and that's comforting.
I know he worked a nerve one day, but the rest of those days were great. We watched movies, a few ball games and reminisced about loads of things. We went to an event on campus and he didn't even complain about people stopping me every second we were attempting to leave. I didn't forget to introduce him to friends ( I'm soo bad at this sometimes) and I think I caught a look of shock on his face when I did introduce him to folks that I knew.
He's in my prayers constantly. I just ask God to bless him and watch over him, help him make the changes he needs to live a better life. I never actually pray for us, though. It seems selfish to do and inappropriate as well. Maybe I should...
1 comment:
The thing about the people who are supposed to be in our lives is that they know how to work our nerves, yet know how to calm those nerves. That's the special thing about those people. You know, I firmly believe in "exes are exes for a reason" however, sometimes rules are meant to be broken. When you do find someone that you fit like a hand in glove with, sometimes different situations and different growth "spurts" cause you to want to run--but sometimes, just sometimes that growth was a part of a grander design to strengthen what you may have in the future. After all, love without struggle is not worth fighting for.
Let go of your strong independence. It's okay to be independent and still know that you have someone to lean on when you can't be that strong.
He's still around for a reason. God's will will prevail regardless of what you want.
MG
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