Daily Quotes for Mon 28 Jun 2010

"Men spend their lives in anticipations, in determining to be vastly happy at some period or other when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other: it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age!"
-Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) English Sportsman, Writer

Great news! Finally emerging out of my mini-crisis. Details coming soon...
*LoVe*Me*

I've been battling some feelings lately; I'm feeling out of balance in my life, my work, & my relationships with the people I love.

The Day Before Friday...

There are some days when I get in a "I-Don't-Want-To-Do-Anything" funk which is so combative to my weekly, service-oriented job. BIG BOOOO!
*LoVe*Me*

Daily Quotes for Thu 10 Jun 2010

“Though the practice of chivalry fell even more sadly short of its theoretic standard than practice generally falls below theory, it remains one of the most precious monuments of the moral history of our race, as a remarkable instance of a concerted and organized attempt by a most disorganized and distracted society, to raise up and carry into practice a moral ideal greatly in advance of its social condition and institutions; so much so as to have been completely frustrated in the main object, yet never entirely inefficacious, and which has left a most sensible, and for the most part a highly valuable impress on the ideas and feelings of all subsequent times.”



— John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) English Philosopher, Political Economist

Daily Quotes for Wed 09 Jun 2010

"Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the only one who asked why. "- Bernard Mannes Baruch (1870-1965) American Businessman, Statesman

OR

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp. Or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning (1812-1889) English Poet

I’ve Hit a Wall or The Flip Side of A Man, His Cart, & a Long Walk

Things got slow at work today which is quite odd for what’s always expected to be one of our busiest days of the week. With that said, I had more time to map out some things I’d been contemplating for a while. I also had the opportunity to think about, well, me. I’ve resolved that I’ve got to make some changes, incorporate something different into my daily routine, my life, something that will redirect my wayward attention…I’ve got a list. It’s an ongoing list at that. However, I’m having difficulty motivating myself to continue actively completing and revising my list. It’s as if I have hit a wall…



I have accepted and embraced that I am a constant work in progress and that my recovery from the codependent craziness in my life is in unvarying motion. I’m still struggling with knowing and understanding that I don’t have to exert that much control in my life because I’m really not the One who’s in control of it in the first place. I still get a little stressed in relationships and at my job when things don’t go the way I’ve planned in the time frame that I expected. But at least now I’m acutely aware of this fact and not blindly believing that I have it all together because, heck, I DON’T. Just every once in a while, I get scared that I’ve grown to content, almost complacent and safe in “the way things are” and this inferno begins to assemble inside my mind, pushing for change. But then there’s this damn wall— intangible but keeping me still—blocking progression. Then my mind segues to the unthinkable: What if I revert back completely to my old, silly, reactionary, ugly & depressed self? What will become of me then?


Maybe I’m afraid…But then what is it that I’m afraid of…I dunno. I’m determined not to get myself all tense and worked up about this. I’ve got to remain calm for me and those that I care about. Most recently, it was brought to my attention that I don’t listen very well, if at all. Perhaps this is where I need to start. The quality of my relationships with others is greatly impacted by my ability to listen. I added this goal to my bucket list. Now if only I could get moving on this list…Any ideas?

Daily Quote for Mon 07 Jun 2010

“You couldn't get hold of the things you'd done and turn them right again. Such a power might be given to the gods, but it was not given to women and men, and that was probably a good thing. Had it been otherwise, people would probably die of old age still trying to rewrite their teens.”



—Stephen Edwin King (1947- ) American Writer

A Man, His Cart, & a Long Walk

I came across a website about a man named Matt Green who’s walking across America, “doing it all for its own sake.” He’s left New York and is heading to Oregon simply because he enjoys walking. He even quit his job as a civil engineer (something I fantasize about daily) to make the 9 month journey. I’ve been reading his daily posts at imjustwalkin.com and each day, I’m blown away not only by the journey that Matt’s taking but by the genuine kindness displayed towards him by strangers that allow him to sleep on their property, shower in their homes or even share meals with their families.



With each daily read, an overwhelming sensation of inspiration floods my mind. I want to smile more about folks I don’t know. Offer my assistance to friends and acquaintances in need. More importantly, I’ve really been more encouraged to make changes in my life that will open up more opportunities for me to do the things that I’ve been putting off. I’ve got this list of things, my personal “Bucket List”, a list of things I’d like to see happen, attributes I’d like to gain, things I’d like to get and do, and changes I’d like to occur. This list changes from time to time, leaving room for the unexpected and the unintended. This is my own personal attempt to tap into my dreams, wishes, fears and desires and as I accomplish or master each aspiration, I strike it out. My Bucket list reads as follows:

Actively Listen to Those That I Care About


Allow Events to Happen Naturally


Be Myself


Become a Teacher


Buy a Home


Detach w/Love


Enjoy Being Alone


Find a Church Home


Get Married


Go Back to School Summer 2009


Have Sex in the Rain


I will not look for happiness outside myself


I will push myself through fearful situations, telling myself I can make it


Journal daily


Keep My Cool w/tough Customers


Learn to Use a Sewing Machine


Let go of meaningless, emotionally absent relationships


Let Other People be Who They are


Let the Past Be Just That…The Past


Lose 20 lbs and keep it off


Make decisions and choices that enhance my self-esteem


Move Closer to Work


Pass INS 22


Play the Lotto


Quit Being the Victim


Read a book off “The List”


Rebuild My Self-Worth


Rekindle relationships that are worth it


Remove “Should” from my vocabulary


Save Some $$$: 6 mos worth of expenses


Smile More


Start a Family


Stop Picking on Myself for Picking on Myself


Stop procrastination at its onset


Stop Reacting and Think


Strive for balanced expectations of others.


Strive for healthy tolerance.


Take a Trip Somewhere I’ve Never Been (NYC, Savannah GA, Vegas, CA)


Value myself


Will Not Let Others Hurt Me


Will not tolerate abuse to keep people loving me


Will Not try to Trust Untrustworthy People


Worry About Nothing; Pray About Everything

Daily Quote For Fri 04 Jun 2010

“Don’t let people change you. No matter what happens be wiser the next time. But, don’t let it change you. There may be people in your life that have hurt you, but don’t make the next person who has the best intentions come along and you run them away because you think they’re going to do what the last person did to you. Don’t be afraid. In life you can’t live in fear of what people will say or do. If you lose love or a friend, then maybe you never had it.”—Tyler Perry (African American author, director, playwright, actor)

Daily Quote for Thur 03 Jun 2010

“All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.”



—Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal" (1914–1994) African American novelist, literary critic, scholar, writer.

Daily Quote for Wed 02 Jun 2010

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing." Mae West (1893-1980)
*LoVe*Me*

The Ultimate List (Revised)

Promise I won't post anything else today but I stumbled  upon The Ultimate List(see entry May 14 2006), thought it could be updated just a little. I do believe that I've met someone who meets most of my criteria, lol...

1. 1-2 children from previous relationship (s)
2. A believer in God’s word, the Trinity, and has accepted God as his personal savior
3. Actions agree with words/deeds
4. Average to mid-athletic stature
5. Between 5’10-6’5
6. Between the ages 27-35
7. Can change a flat tire, spark plugs or an oil filter if need be
8. Capable of passing the 3 T-Test: 1) puts the toilet seat down, 2) doesn’t put towels over the shower curtain, and 3) squeezes the toothpaste at the end and not the middle
9. Caramel to dark chocolate complexion
10. Culturally, politically and worldly aware
11. Enjoys all kinds of music (Old school R&B specifically)
12. Enjoys PDA—Public Displays of Affection
13. Family oriented and is open to having his own family one day
14. Has an awesome sense of humor
15. Has his own friends and will not insist that I like them all
16. Honest and will tell me when I’m wrong; also has no problem with admitting when he’s wrong
17. Isn’t a Mama’s Boy, closed-minded or misogynistic
18. Knows his Self-Worth
19. Legal employment
20. Likes going places and doing new things
21. Likes to play games– Scrabble, Monopoly, Jeopardy, Taboo, etc.
22. Likes to read and/or write
23. Likes to take things slow
24. Likes to watch porn but feels no need to star in his own
25. Lives alone or w/roommates; if still lives at home, it’s b/c of unique circumstances
26. Loves and KNOWS how to kiss
27. NOT a commitment phobic
28. NOT afraid to show his emotions
29. Not cheap
30. Respectful of my ability to think & reason
31. Social drinker
32. Some college, college graduate
33. Spontaneous
34. Thinks Napoleon Dynamite is funny as hell
35. Will let me hog the remote control
36. Will not make me watch football or baseball or some other sport that I don’t comprehend but is willing to explain them if I want to know
37. Will scratch my dandruff and oil my scalp
38. Willingness to talk about himself–his hopes, fears, past–but isn’t too cocky, arrogant or narcissistic (mild narcissism will do, I'm privy to it).

Revisting the Past: October 10, 2008 "Trying to Accept What Happened and Move On"

I found this phrase in an article on surviving breakups, a phrase intended to excite w/in those going through a breakup to do just that-accept that the relationship is over and move on. what this article failed to consider is what if you're codependent and emotionally strained? Accepting and moving on is NOT  simple; is NOT EASY in any way. I am codependent and moving on is about the hardest thing I've had to tackle. 

I've been reading this book, Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie. She attempts to define codependency and illustrates the ways in which those of us who do suffer from codependency are to attempt to unlearn and redefine behavior that can bring so much havoc in the complicated task of daily living. 

Back in late March & April, I'd learned that I was codependent while I was seeing a therapist about problems I'd had with anxiety. Imagine how I felt when I found out that anxiety wasn't my only personal concern. But instead of exploring that finding, I shied away from it. Honestly, learning that I didn't know how to relax was damaging enough to my already fragile pride and ego. Today, I wish that I'd have pursued the codependency with the same interest I had with the anxiety. Perhaps then, this breakup wouldn't have occurred or at least wouldn't have been so bad. 

So the more I read Beattie's book, the more I've become convinced that the problems LRM and I experienced as the relationship progressed were responses to painful experiences we both encountered and hadn't addressed. I think that we both are codependent and the last thing that ever needed to happen was for 2 people like us, with our unaddressed problems, to find each other and fall in love. 

Part of me feels the need to piece together the chapters I've read and make sense of what's occurred and my part in it all. For the last month and a half, I've felt strictly like a victim of someone else's pain and inability to treat me right. But now, I feel there's more to this. I understand that I inflicted hurt as well. I'm a product of a dysfunctional family. I grew up around alcoholism, verbal & physical abuse, and drug addiction and really believed that as long as I left Memphis and the past behind, that I would be okay...things are in shambles because of codependency-an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to and practice of a set of oppressive rules-rules that prevented the open expressions of feelings as well as the direct discussion of my own personal and interpersonal problems. In a few weeks, I'll have my first session with a new therapist, FC. I'm looking forward to getting down the nitty gritty. My whole point of wanting this is so that I can change the person that I've become. She's not that pretty.

I'm Back...I Think...

IT'S BEEN so long, 4 years exactly, since I shared any of the mundane happenings of ME. I recently went back and read all my previous entries & I've come to the acute realization that I HAVE CHANGED! At first, I was like, "Wow! This was where my mind really was! I had it going on!" But as I read more, digested some things, reassessed & re-evaluated how much has happened in 4 years, my wow slowly transformed in WTF! I've changed jobs, moved 3 times, been engaged, ended friendships that I'd thought would last a lifetime, rekindled  & formed relationships w/people I never imagined would ever work out in the end (and sustained them), ended the engagement, finally got into graduate school (online), then put that on hold...the list can go on & on. In the mist of all this inevitable change, I can readily admit that I lost myself for a little while. I looked in the mirror one day, found I was 10 lbs heavier, exhausted, high strung & stressed. BLOOD PRESSURE THROUGH THE ROOF! Up to my knees in self-denial, drowning in self-seclusion. I even felt like I was on the verge of a major breakdown...

THEN THE UNTHINKABLE happened...a prayer that I had been saying for a year & a half was answered & God help in the form of my mama, BABE, the Brickhouse herself. I slowly found myself getting back to, rediscovering, & FALLING IN LOVE with ME...

WHERE DOES THIS LEAD ME NOW

Well, after a few tears & meeting someone who has inspired me to rekindle an old passion, I'M BACK! For the next few weeks, I'll simply post some journal entries, just as my own form of catch-up.

As I Look Into My LIfe

I was sitting at the break-room table by myself enjoying my hour lunch we get on Mondays. I got to thinking about how much I’d changed in just two years, where I’d been and how far I had yet to go and this huge smile crept across my face. At 5’7, I’m 38 pounds away from where I once was, 6 years removed from high school and about to be a year from college. In 6 years, different people have drifted in and out of my life and here I am now, attempting to make one person stick around for the long run (should I not run first). I’ve began questioning my loyalty to the things that I once listed as the most important things in my life, often asking myself, “Have I valued one more than the other?” I’m constantly asking myself if I’ve lost my own identity over the years, swapping my individual for a blank canvas of self, letting whatever each day brings my way etch out the person I’m intended to be.

After 6 months at my job, I’ve become frustrated and saddened at the fact that this experience may not be one that can sustain me until I figure out the road I really want to commit to and stick with. I was giving this job at least a year and a half, hoping that I’d gotten better with this whole collections industry but I’ve just come to realize that I don’t have that ‘fuck you, pay me’ mentality and have the utmost difficulty with faking like I do just to make commission each month. By the end of October, I was given a 90 day action plan that’s suppose to boost my month totals up to $25,000 with $19,000 being the first tier to hit for November. Right now, I’m at about $10,000 and with 4 more days left in this month, do not think that I’ll be hitting even close to $18,000 by month in. Ironically, I’m not beating myself up about this like I’d normally do. Now I’m not being a coward and laying down about this either, taking the steps needed to try to get some calls made, some more accounts worked, I added another late night to my schedule and push myself to make 140-155 calls a day. Maybe it’s the holidays or maybe it’s just the sure reality that people don’t really care about what their credit looks like or if their medical bills go unpaid although they did receive some valuable treatment from a hospital and its physicians. One thing’s for sure: I’m tire of trying to figure out what it is and thus have reopened my search for another job.

I stayed in Chattanooga for Thanksgiving, opting to spend it with LRM and his mother. This was the first time I wasn't in Memphis for the holidays. While it was certainly far quieter than I’m used to with my own family and relatives, it was time spent getting to know LRM better and see how much the holiday season brings out a different side of him. Although I’d offered to help his mother with dinner, I found my skills a bit rusty and lacking; I’d never shucked corn in my life and it showed. If anything, I felt in the way and awkward, so I waited to be directed to do other things. With the Christmas tree finally finished, he plugged it in and to see his face light up the way it did, I was transported back to when he was a little boy, small and chocolate, excited about the presents that he had already peeked into but would certainly tear open on Christmas Day without any remembrance of what he’d done. For the first time ever, I helped put up lights outside a home. We draped strains of mesh like lights over this bush outside LRM’s house. It's an awesome and undescribable feeling to be incorporated in someone else's tradition and I can only hope that they'll be more instances to do so.

I’m so thankful for being about to make it this far…thankful for the friends and family that have come and gone and especially for those who seemed to be the permanent fixtures in my life. I’m thankful for life and the spurts of happiness I get to experience everyday, even on those days when it feels as if that happiness is short lived. I’m a thankful to wake up each day and see me, not the ghost of person I used to know, but the true person I’m becoming more and more each day.

Am I Loosing Myself?

This week has been a little hectic and looking back on it, I can barely remember what I did each day...I sat out to get so much done this week, both at home and a work. However, most of my plans fell through mainly because I'm beginning to have trouble w/managing the time I spend working, trying to have a healthy relationship and making time for myself.

While things at the office are moving at a steady pace--I've gotten into a comfort zone, finding myself at ease with my co-workers and feel that by the end of the day, I've accomplished the things that I sat out to do that day--my home life, my personal time, is lacking. Alas, I feel like I'm loosing myself; In 24 hours, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to just, well, BE.

This isn't the first time I've ever felt like this. Got this same feeling when I was in school, I believe it was my 2nd senior year at UTC. If I wasn't in class, in the computer lab working on a project or a paper or in a study session somewhere on campus, I was at a meeting or getting ready to go to a meeting or attending some event that I had promised I'd come to. I'd get home late, eat late, do some homework, pray and try to get some sleep (if I was lucky enough). And I promise it seemed as if the moment my head hit the pillow and I drifted to sleep, gee it was time to get up and do it all over again...

I never imagined that I'd be back in that same place again. I'm not half as busy as I used to be since undergrad is now apart of my past. But somehow, especially after acquiring a relationship, I'm finding myself stretched out with little, if not any, time to do the things that keep me centered. If I start writing in my journal, the phone rings or I get a text or I'm reminded that I really need to leave so I won't be late to work. When I'm not a work, I'm with my boyfriend trying to be the best girlfriend in the world. In my mind, we're spending quality time together, still getting to know each other, still trying to figure each other out and trying not to drive each other completely crazy. I'm fully aware that relationships aren't a piece of cake and that open communication and compromise are key factors in their success.

However, I think my problem lies in my ability to say no to him. Perhaps I've gotten so engrossed in attempting to be extra-available, extra-attentive and extra-aware of this other person in my life, that I've neglected my own needs as a singular individual. I'm squeezing in time to have conversations with Gator, with Ms. Foxx (my best friend in high school who has re-emerged in my life at the perfect time it seems b/c I missed her) and MBR/C, squeezing in time to sit quietly and enjoy solitude, just squeezing time...For so long, I've been a "self" fulling person. Being single does that to you. Now that there is someone, I guess I just don't know how to act.

I've resolved to do better! I MUST make time for me and in the upcoming weeks, I'm certainly going to concentrate on doing so....nothing beats an effort but to try.

Bliss, Ignorance is: Definition of Family...

On Bliss, Ignorance is: Definition of Family... MG and I had a quick conversation about the definintion of family yesterday as I was heading out for a date with My Guy.

It's kind of funny that we talked about this because I had just written about the same topic in my journal a few nights ago. One of my uncles, my mother's brother Aubrey, died early Sunday morning while I was visitng Memphis last weekend and as I was thinking about that, somehow my thoughts segued into what family is, its function, its definition, what it means. According to sociology and anthropology, the family has the primary function of reproducing — biologically, socially, or in both ways. Thus, one's experience of one's family shifts over time. From the perspective of children, the family functions as a family of orientation: the family serves to locate children socially, and plays a major role in their enculturation (if that's a word) and socialization. From the point of view of the parents, the family serves as a family of procreation with the goal of producing, enculturating and socializing children.

Carson McCullers said that family is "The we of me." Given the circumstances, we sometimes feel that our families will be "the end of me" but family in the purest form are the people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and usually (but not always) reside under one roof. Now whether a person's family resembles that of the traditional nuclear family is actually non-consequential to this conversation, but it is important to recognize that a family can also be seen as a group of people sharing common ancestry, lineage. But our family can also be those who share no blood relation, the friends that have stuck it out thru thick and thin no matter what the case, those who MG says "have your back."

As I sat letting my words flow easily from my pen to the page, I came to define family like this: Family is so much more than a mama, a daddy, a sister and a brother. It's so much more than those you share a blood line with, a last name or, if you're lucky, the holidays. Family is also a history book, one that you can't always open and read at your leizure. It's locked up unless you have a key--the ability to ask questions. You want to know why Uncle Junior has a glass eye. You got to ask. Wonder why Cousin Bertha disappeared for 3 years then came back with new name and identity. You got to ask. Want your ghetto burgers to be just as good as MeMaws. You got to ask. Want to know if Aunt Jackie was really married to a pimp. You got to ask.

What I'm getting at here is that family isn't just the people who help form it, but it's the knowledge, the history, even the secrets to the "me" in the "we" and vice versa. Family is what we fall back on (not forgetting the Lord) when everyone else forsakes us. It's where, I think, we first start to search for our individual places in this crazy ass world.

Faded Memories, New Beginnings and Slow Bus Days

It's been a little bit since I last posted. It wasn't like I didn't have things to share (there's LOADS on my mind right this instant) or some kind of mental blockage (aka writer's block). I've simply been a little preoccupied and pressed for time. I've been trying to incorporate my new job with my old routines but have found this extremely difficult at the moment. But after this weekend, I hope that things will be better.

SO HERE'S WHAT'S NEW...on May 15th I started a new job as a legal assistant/collector at KBWLO. This is literally my first "grown up" job-I work 40 hours a week, have to dress business casual, have a cubicle of my very own and company email. Not to mention benefits and 401K and accrued personal time off (eventually, say after my 90 days). I called people or they call me about medical debt that they've gotten into and sometimes I help set up payment arrangements, individuals agree to pay their debt in full or they become irate, curse me out and hang up. No matter what happens, there's never a dull moment at KBWLO and I'm still thoroughly surprised that I even got hired. So I've been working here for about 4 weeks now and I've just gotten comfortable with being on the phone and discussing financial matters. On Friday, I sent out my first suit listing letter to a debtor. I actually got excited about typing and printing this letter and the excitement didn't subside even as I folded it and place it in a envelope marked for certified mail. KBWLO offers opportunities to advance throughout the company and it's a family centered office, should that actually exist. Attorney Wilson comes through the office each day and speaks/slash chit-chats with each collector. When he stops at my cubicle he often scares me cause he just pops out of no where. He thinks it's amazingly funny that someone can scare so easily. Perhaps he may be popping up b/c he know this. I'm uncertain. Overall, I'm enjoying this experience and the pay's pretty good. So good that...

I'VE GOTTEN MYSELF A NEW "USED" CAR! It's a 1999 Black 2 Door Chevy cavalier that's been appropriately named 'Black Magic' from one of my fav Santana songs. At the dealership, it just would sink in that I now had an automobile of my own. While signing my signature to a bazillion pages, it still didn't sink in that I now had an automobile of my own. The thought didn't truly hit me until I was sitting inside it at an automatic carwash. White masses of foam were surrounding me, I reached out and touched the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs, "Damn, I've got a car!" I go to bed a night, still praising God for this blessing b/c for a minute there, I didn't think it would happen. But it did and Black Magic is sitting in our apartment parking lot resting for tomorrow's 20 minute commute.

MY SAMSUNG FELL INTO MY CEREAL BOWL some Sundays ago. I fished it out as quickly as I could and even dried it out but ALAS, it died like week. Was reduced to a fuzzy, blinking screen so I switched my phone back to the Nokia. Oh, how I'd missed it. Some of the phone numbers transferred to the Nokia and others didn't so I've spent a nice amount of time trying to rebuild my phonebook. Can we say that's so freakin' boring! Rebuilding has allowed me to purge myself of numbers of people who rarely call me and I don't call them, officially placing them on the "Dismissed" list.

WITH THE NEW JOB, COMES NEW CODING AND POLICIES TO LEARN so my slow bus days have multiplied 10 fold. I got a real job and had to learn a whole new set of numbers, codes, computer systems and even abbreviations. My first week at my desk (after 2 weeks of training), I was a wreck trying to key in the correct responses to phone calls and such. Now I've got some more practice under my belt and check this: I even dreamed about answering and coding phone calls in my sleep. Maybe I won't be such a slow bus after all.

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WAS WONDERFULLY spent with family and few friends. I even spent the night with my mama. She and I stayed up for hours my first night in Memphis, talking and laughing and just reminiscing about the good and the bad. I told MG that it was almost like playing catch-up with an old college roommate you haven't seen in years. Mama expressed how proud she is of me and as usual, I cried. It never fails. Sometimes I just don't feel deserving of her praise. I think about the pain we both brought into each other's lives, wondering she can ever find pure goodness in me, my sister or my niece but she does. Motherly love is just amazing.

I'm praying that this new week is just as awesome as previous ones. I think that I'm becoming more profficient as a collector and I absolutely love getting up and going to work each day. Let's hope that this feeling doesn't disappear or waver any time soon.

My Heart Runeth over...Me, my Mama and my niece Briyanna
Nemrac